A Word to the Ladies: You Can’t Have a Pussy and Drive a Minivan

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We had a minivan, but I refused to drive it.  You know why?  Because the second you put yourself behind that wheel, you no longer have a pussy, you have a vagina.  I don’t want to have a vagina yet (if ever).  Now, this is just me, you might be one hot piece of ass driving around in your Honda Odyssey (aka: minivan), but I just don’t have that kind of self-confidence.  

My point (yes, I have one), is that I want you ladies to be thinking of yourselves as sexual beings, on a daily basis.  You want your husband to be thinking about your pussy, not your vagina.  You want him thinking about his cock going into your pussy, and not about babies coming out of your vagina.  Do you get where I’m going here?  

Here’s the deal.  Do you remember in the beginning of your relationship, how you and your guy couldn’t keep your hands off one another? (I hope everyone went through this period – if not, let’s at least make that happen now).  Do you remember going on first dates?  Did you put on clothes that were “comfy” and call it done for those first times together?  Was your hair a mess and your legs not shaved or waxed?  HELL NO!!!  You took time to make a great impression. You wore matching lingerie and made sure you were kissable everywhere, right?  Here’s the hell of it all – when you were younger and newly in love, you could have been hairy and sweaty and your man still would have wanted to jump your bones.  It’s now that we’re older and things are no longer where God intended (aka: my boobs), that you need to be pulling out the push-up bra and working everything you’ve got.  

The problem is that we tend to put LOTS of energy into how we look in the beginning of a relationship, but as time goes on, that diminishes.  Comedian, Chris Rock, has the best line about being in a long-term relationship.  He says, “You’ve got to make old pussy, new pussy.”  And, he’s right.  

What pajamas are you wearing to bed?  What clothing are you changing into when you come home at night and want to get comfortable?  Are these clothes “comfy,” but not cute or sexy?  I can hear you saying already, “but we have children around,” or “sexy stuff just isn’t comfortable.”  I get it, I have children too, so I’m not going to wear crotchless panties as we sit around watching Spongebob.  BUT, I make sure my “hang out” clothes are cute.  I don’t immediately throw my hair in a ponytail and scrub off my makeup.  I keep the cute look going right to the end.  When I walk by I want my man to be thinking, “I want to hit that.” 

So, I want you to throw away all your crappy, unmatched underwear and make sure that what you have on under your clothes is cute and/or sexy.  OK, I’ll let you keep your “period underwear” but you really need to only wear that a few days per month, alright?  

Next, I want you to throw away anything stained, ripped or ugly (or flannel, probably).  Replace them with clothing that looks clean and good on you.  Every day, put on your face, do your hair, add some jewelry – make an effort!  You don’t need to wear an evening gown or anything, but take a minute and put yourself together.  This will not only give your man something enticing to look at, but you will feel better about yourself.  

I need to take a special moment and discuss yoga pants.  I get it; they’re comfortable.  But, let me say this:  Spandex is a privilege, not a right (John Waters actually said that first, but I really like it, so I’m stealing it).  If you don’t have a butt you can bounce a quarter off of, do NOT wear those pants, especially not out of the house.  If you do have a nice firm butt (I’ll try not to hate you), I do NOT want to see visible panty lines.  If your butt is that cute, get yourself a damn g-string and call it done.  But I ask, is it too much to just throw on a pair of jeans or something that looks good on you?  I mean, just how comfortable do you need to be?  

A last word about fashion, in general.  Fashion is awesome and I am someone who pours over Vogue and Elle every month, but don’t be a slave to it.  It doesn’t matter what’s in style – if it doesn’t look good on you – don’t wear it!  Know your body and what works and, well, work it!  

Be a sexy, classy, confident woman for yourself first, and then for your partner.

Abby Medcalf